Today I've spent the majority of it thinking. Thinking and listening. You see, this week I've discovered Stevie Wonder's "Fulfilingness' First Finale" for the first time ever. I was immediately hooked! But then this particular song called "It Ain't No Use" came on. More than the basic pretty breakup song, the lyrics are cold and to the point. But that wasn't what gripped me. What gripped me was the chorus. I cannot describe to you with words the exact feeling I felt (and still feel) when I heard the very tone of Stevie's voice. The grip and deep pull that I feel in my chest from hearing it. It's beautiful. It also made me think. Here's why. I will like to warn you beforehand that this will get quite personal. And long.
To be blunt, I'm truly tired. My soul is tired. 2011 has not shaped up to be "My Year" like many have proclaimed it would be for themselves when New Years hit. I've been out of work since November. Money hasn't exactly been flowing. My relationship with my mother has suffered greatly. My self esteem went down the crapshoot. My health feels like it's own it's about to follow suit. I've lost track of the heartbreaking moments, screaming matches, silent cries, and sometimes utterly dark days that I've had. Depression, pain and anger set up shop in my spirit. My life has been, basically, crap. For a while I've been living in it and accepting it as it is. But today I thought about a number of things.
After laying out my life, dreams, and options in front of me, I've made a decision not to change my life, but to start over again. Use my current at-home situation as a springboard into a newer, healthier, better life. My directions and priorities have to change, and the best way to do this is to let go of the old ways. So as a final farewell to the life I once knew and embraced, I find it fitting that I dedicate this song. "It", you will be missed. The many lessons I've learned from you will be held close and cherished. But it's time for you to go. In the famous words of Martin Lawrence's character Martin Payne, "GETS TA STEPPIN'!" Let Stevie sing to you on the way out.
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