Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Forgiveness & Forward Motion

Back again with another musing. This time the subject is Forgiveness and progress.

It all started about a week ago. The big bro and I were sitting at the table at his girlfriend's grandparents house, listening to her and her family play dominos while we chit chat. The discussion came to fathers. My brother and I have different fathers, but we were raised by mine. He vented about his deep dislike for both men. I can understand why he was upset about his, seeing as dude abandoned my mother when she had my brother at the age of 15, and claimed that the baby wasn't his when everybody knew otherwise. And on a small scale, I can see why he didn't like my father either. My parents had a rocky marriage, and Dwayne (my dad) was a very strict man, and at times he wasn't exactly loving to Ma or us. But he kept food on the table, clothes on our backs, and a roof over our heads. And even if he wasn't all that nice, he gave extremely good advice, and never lead us astray or lied to us. We both agree that we our grateful for that. But it seems that my brother can't let the bad times go. I have, Ma has, but he's still as angry as ever. Yet he claims to have forgiven Dwayne. I had to give him a gentle reminder that he needs to in order for him to sleep at night. "I am sleeping at night!" he says, in the same tone one would use to defend themselves when they've been caught in a lie. Nidza, his girlfriend's mom, was on her laptop and listening to us, and we hear her say in her cute accent 'it doesn't sound like it to me!"

I couldn't help but laugh. Not only at that, but at the fact that I've realized that for the first time in my life, i feel free. Why? Because I've let a lot of the things, people, and situations that had bothered me so much in the past go. I've learned that you have to. And as i peel the layers and layers of resentment and anguish for people and past events off my spirit, I find that all of the negativity and all of the cruel comments that I'd though I'd brushed off were still there...and that they were all lies. i had to look at myself again and again, to make sure that what I was seeing was real. This new, clean me. Yes, I am not perfect. But I am a whole lot better than I'd ounce thought. And as I examined the lies that I accepted about me from others, I'd realized that dispite what I could do to these people, I had to forgive them no matter what. After doing so, I immediately noticed a change in my life, and blessings gushed forth as if held back by floodgates. My mind became clearer, and I became this happy, optimistic woman-child. I'm an adult of coarse, but I still have a long way to go. For the first time in my life, I'm excited about that journey into complete womanhood. That I would be like those dignified yet carefree and wise older women who seem to know everything about life and chuckle at the young girls/ladies and their clumsiness, guiding then in the right direction. I was excited when I realized that I had completely suffered and overcome my first major heartbreak. I was excited about the fact that I'm actually looking forward to having kids. Whereas before I just thought that babies were cute, but not for me. I'm excited about the fact there will be more struggles and victories coming my way, and that the only way to go is up. I bid you all to feel that same excitement by letting go of the past. We all have issues about ourselves or our lives that we need to deal with. But we can't just keep that baggage and expect to catch the bus on time you get my drift(shoutout to Erykah Badu and her song "Bag Lady"). We have to declutter our lives in order to let the new things come in. Kind of like that show called "Clean House" where they go in, clean out the family's house and get rid of all the old stuff via yardsale and the charity bus, and the profits from the yardsale are used to redecorate the entire house (or however much they can with the money). The same logic applies to your life. However much you're willing to give away, that's how much you'll get back in new opportunities. And thus, growth. Think about that while I soak my feet...


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